While the news on the 2013 Miss America has been having some controversial buildups across social media and the internet about her being an immigrant, some of them even passing racist remarks against this young excited woman who has probably just set foot to tread on her path of dreams, our Indian counterparts on the other end of the globe have left no stone unturned either in claiming how dark she is and perhaps how she would not even have been close to being a Miss India, had she been living there.
Obsession for "fair skin" has become such a deep rooted open secret in the Indian society and it all the more implies if you are a girl.
Growing up watching all sorts of ads on products challenging to lighten your skin in 'x' number of days with the promise to give your money back incase it didn't work, and having a slightly "tan" colored skin compared to the many people in my family, I did hear bits and pieces of "advice" on how I should not play in the sun for too long or how I should take some time to get the tan off my skin. It wasn't directly told to me most of the times, but somehow they never failed to reach my ears. Luckily, neither my parents nor me bothered about any of these comments or "advice". The formula though was straightforward: Fairness is directly proportionate to being attractive.
Fast forward many years, and the time came when I entered the "marriageable" age. My parents started looking for eligible boys while I concentrated on my career. Initially, I thought it was no big deal and I probably would figure out the right person within a year or so. But destiny had other plans written for me. I worked from home for a year and a half, I would sometimes tend to the phone calls that were meant for "matrimonial" discussions. I would usually hand over phone to my mom who was first asked about how tall, fair and good looking I am. All other details on horoscope match, family, education, my career etc came much later. Horoscopes and profiles going out without a photo was simply out of question. My parents had also registered my profile on one the popular matrimonial websites and with couple of organisations that would hold my details on file, so that the boys' parents could take a look. A mere glance at the profiles revealed the open and bold need for a fair, beautiful girl for their extremely handsome son. This was even more vital if the boy was an NRI. A typical conversation would start with "Nimma magalu beLLige idaLa? or nimma magaLu nodakke heg idaLe?", translating (from Kannada) to, "Is your daughter fair?" or "How is your daughter to look at"? In the beginning, my mom would just give out a polite reply. But as the questions repeatedly kept coming in, sometimes politely and sometimes very directly, she had to change her way of replying, being frank but without being rude. During one such instance, a boy's father who called told my mom told her, "Our son is extremely good looking..fair and handsome.. just like the the boy in the Raymond ad. We want a girl who's very beautiful and will match up to his looks". They even went on to say as to how they didn't care about her education, but their main criteria was she had to be fair and beautiful. From then on if anyone questioned my complexion, my mom just had one standard answer, "My daughter is not as white as milk, but she's not dark as charcoal also". My skin color apart, she herself was questioned on how fair/dark she was, so that they could gauge whether I was fair or not. All this was on the phone- during the first conversation, even before looking at my photograph.
I guess I was fortunate that such alliances didn't make it beyond the initial phone conversations and never reached me. The ones that made it up to me were mostly from families who were ok with me being not so "fair" and were more keen on whether I had a H1B or not. Somehow I never understood whether they intended to marry a girl or her visa. Having said that, one alliance still filtered its way through to me and I had to directly deal with the issue of being fair (or not). This came from a NRI Doctor, PhD in transition for a postdoc position (read - very well educated) who wanted a girl who was "fair", a post graduate, with artistic qualities, based in India/US, from a good family.. etc etc.. At that time, I was away pursuing my higher studies abroad (not US). Because of the ever cloudy cold weather out there, the tan on my skin had faded away quite a bit, and my skin tone had lightened by a few shades. The boy and his mother had wanted very recent pictures, so I sent them a few and a conversation got going between the two families, me and him included. I assumed that I fit into his list!! Initially, things did go well and without meeting the boy, I gave a positive sign of taking this alliance forward. But as days and months went by, I realised that that we totally differed in the basic priorities and expectations from life and from our to-be life partners. So even though the boys mom had very confidently accepted on behalf of her son (without him actually agreeing) on going ahead with a wedding, the entire alliance was still dangling in mid air. Though we had to deal with a lot more unethical and immoral issues with a family claiming to simple, sophisticated and cultured, we also had to deal with the issue of me being "not as fair" or up to their standard. In fact, when I met his mom face to face for the first time,a bulk of the conversation was about my complexion. I was told all about how "fair and beautiful" his ex fiancee was, how I was not as "fair" as I looked in photographs etc. While my family and I knew (and they probably thought we did not!) that they were still looking at more alliances from "very fair", and cultured girls, a common family friend was also involved in the setting up of this alliance and we really felt the need to let her know of what was going on. They also had another alliance, about whom we were made aware of at a later stage. A proverb in hindi says, Ghee seedhi ungli se na nikle toh ungli tedi karni padti hai [meaning that if things don't come out in a straight-forward manner, we have to bend our fingers to dig them out], in this case it was the truth that was needed to be revealed. We decided to do some detective work to confirm all of this. Eventually, his mom not only spilt the beans that her son was only looking for a girl who was "very very fair", and that even she wanted a daughter-in-law whom she could "proud of" to show to her family and friends. She also went ahead to reveal that, there was a family (us of course!) who was put on hold and that they wouldn't mind proceeding with the "detective us" if we matched her criteria. We realised that we had just opened a can of stinking worms. There were far too many hidden secrets that came out too. Fortunately, this guy who claimed to be a big follower of Vivekananda and Shankracharya's moral values decided to make up his mind (thankfully, after 8 months ! Phew!!) and decided to "reject" me and instead, "pretended" to choose the girl from the other alliance who was "fairer" and hence "much more attractive" than me, and who he eventually said, was "OK","dumb" and didn't fit his bill intellectually. What they didn't know was the girl from the other alliance was a good friend of mine and thus I was aware of both sides of the story. Had he had "accepted" the alliance from our end, the 8 months had piled up enough worm-cans for me to pull out, even if my family and me had to become "bad" and "insensitive" to their needs. Today, he might have found his white porcelain doll straight out of some regional television soap, but whether or not the "fair skin" brought back his peace of mind and got him his love, or made his mother proud among her family and friends, only they can tell.
This whole incident engraved a permanent scar in my mind, a bitter truth about the fact that no matter how broadminded and morally valued the Indian society claims to be, when it comes to their own needs, people will show their true colors. I am indeed fortunate to have found an amazing life partner and an even more wonderful family who's way above such petty, superficial and materialistic needs and who believe in looking at life in a much brighter, optimistic and positive manner. But still, there are millions of girls who're fighting the horribly racist Indian society everyday in the hope of finding someone who'll love and care for them for their entire life. Having said that, Im not blaming only the Indian men here. The same thing is true with many girls who cook up obnoxious requirements involving skin color. The obsession for the fairer skin does not seem to be fading anytime soon. It is so deep rooted in our society that people subconsciously treat it as a major disadvantage or curse . So much in the name of holy matrimony and the educated , emancipated progress of the "broad minded" Indian society.
Obsession for "fair skin" has become such a deep rooted open secret in the Indian society and it all the more implies if you are a girl.
Growing up watching all sorts of ads on products challenging to lighten your skin in 'x' number of days with the promise to give your money back incase it didn't work, and having a slightly "tan" colored skin compared to the many people in my family, I did hear bits and pieces of "advice" on how I should not play in the sun for too long or how I should take some time to get the tan off my skin. It wasn't directly told to me most of the times, but somehow they never failed to reach my ears. Luckily, neither my parents nor me bothered about any of these comments or "advice". The formula though was straightforward: Fairness is directly proportionate to being attractive.
Fast forward many years, and the time came when I entered the "marriageable" age. My parents started looking for eligible boys while I concentrated on my career. Initially, I thought it was no big deal and I probably would figure out the right person within a year or so. But destiny had other plans written for me. I worked from home for a year and a half, I would sometimes tend to the phone calls that were meant for "matrimonial" discussions. I would usually hand over phone to my mom who was first asked about how tall, fair and good looking I am. All other details on horoscope match, family, education, my career etc came much later. Horoscopes and profiles going out without a photo was simply out of question. My parents had also registered my profile on one the popular matrimonial websites and with couple of organisations that would hold my details on file, so that the boys' parents could take a look. A mere glance at the profiles revealed the open and bold need for a fair, beautiful girl for their extremely handsome son. This was even more vital if the boy was an NRI. A typical conversation would start with "Nimma magalu beLLige idaLa? or nimma magaLu nodakke heg idaLe?", translating (from Kannada) to, "Is your daughter fair?" or "How is your daughter to look at"? In the beginning, my mom would just give out a polite reply. But as the questions repeatedly kept coming in, sometimes politely and sometimes very directly, she had to change her way of replying, being frank but without being rude. During one such instance, a boy's father who called told my mom told her, "Our son is extremely good looking..fair and handsome.. just like the the boy in the Raymond ad. We want a girl who's very beautiful and will match up to his looks". They even went on to say as to how they didn't care about her education, but their main criteria was she had to be fair and beautiful. From then on if anyone questioned my complexion, my mom just had one standard answer, "My daughter is not as white as milk, but she's not dark as charcoal also". My skin color apart, she herself was questioned on how fair/dark she was, so that they could gauge whether I was fair or not. All this was on the phone- during the first conversation, even before looking at my photograph.
I guess I was fortunate that such alliances didn't make it beyond the initial phone conversations and never reached me. The ones that made it up to me were mostly from families who were ok with me being not so "fair" and were more keen on whether I had a H1B or not. Somehow I never understood whether they intended to marry a girl or her visa. Having said that, one alliance still filtered its way through to me and I had to directly deal with the issue of being fair (or not). This came from a NRI Doctor, PhD in transition for a postdoc position (read - very well educated) who wanted a girl who was "fair", a post graduate, with artistic qualities, based in India/US, from a good family.. etc etc.. At that time, I was away pursuing my higher studies abroad (not US). Because of the ever cloudy cold weather out there, the tan on my skin had faded away quite a bit, and my skin tone had lightened by a few shades. The boy and his mother had wanted very recent pictures, so I sent them a few and a conversation got going between the two families, me and him included. I assumed that I fit into his list!! Initially, things did go well and without meeting the boy, I gave a positive sign of taking this alliance forward. But as days and months went by, I realised that that we totally differed in the basic priorities and expectations from life and from our to-be life partners. So even though the boys mom had very confidently accepted on behalf of her son (without him actually agreeing) on going ahead with a wedding, the entire alliance was still dangling in mid air. Though we had to deal with a lot more unethical and immoral issues with a family claiming to simple, sophisticated and cultured, we also had to deal with the issue of me being "not as fair" or up to their standard. In fact, when I met his mom face to face for the first time,a bulk of the conversation was about my complexion. I was told all about how "fair and beautiful" his ex fiancee was, how I was not as "fair" as I looked in photographs etc. While my family and I knew (and they probably thought we did not!) that they were still looking at more alliances from "very fair", and cultured girls, a common family friend was also involved in the setting up of this alliance and we really felt the need to let her know of what was going on. They also had another alliance, about whom we were made aware of at a later stage. A proverb in hindi says, Ghee seedhi ungli se na nikle toh ungli tedi karni padti hai [meaning that if things don't come out in a straight-forward manner, we have to bend our fingers to dig them out], in this case it was the truth that was needed to be revealed. We decided to do some detective work to confirm all of this. Eventually, his mom not only spilt the beans that her son was only looking for a girl who was "very very fair", and that even she wanted a daughter-in-law whom she could "proud of" to show to her family and friends. She also went ahead to reveal that, there was a family (us of course!) who was put on hold and that they wouldn't mind proceeding with the "detective us" if we matched her criteria. We realised that we had just opened a can of stinking worms. There were far too many hidden secrets that came out too. Fortunately, this guy who claimed to be a big follower of Vivekananda and Shankracharya's moral values decided to make up his mind (thankfully, after 8 months ! Phew!!) and decided to "reject" me and instead, "pretended" to choose the girl from the other alliance who was "fairer" and hence "much more attractive" than me, and who he eventually said, was "OK","dumb" and didn't fit his bill intellectually. What they didn't know was the girl from the other alliance was a good friend of mine and thus I was aware of both sides of the story. Had he had "accepted" the alliance from our end, the 8 months had piled up enough worm-cans for me to pull out, even if my family and me had to become "bad" and "insensitive" to their needs. Today, he might have found his white porcelain doll straight out of some regional television soap, but whether or not the "fair skin" brought back his peace of mind and got him his love, or made his mother proud among her family and friends, only they can tell.
This whole incident engraved a permanent scar in my mind, a bitter truth about the fact that no matter how broadminded and morally valued the Indian society claims to be, when it comes to their own needs, people will show their true colors. I am indeed fortunate to have found an amazing life partner and an even more wonderful family who's way above such petty, superficial and materialistic needs and who believe in looking at life in a much brighter, optimistic and positive manner. But still, there are millions of girls who're fighting the horribly racist Indian society everyday in the hope of finding someone who'll love and care for them for their entire life. Having said that, Im not blaming only the Indian men here. The same thing is true with many girls who cook up obnoxious requirements involving skin color. The obsession for the fairer skin does not seem to be fading anytime soon. It is so deep rooted in our society that people subconsciously treat it as a major disadvantage or curse . So much in the name of holy matrimony and the educated , emancipated progress of the "broad minded" Indian society.
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